Thursday, May 27, 2010

Pants of Friday: and the guide to week survival

Oh yes oh yes! When it finally comes around you just feel exhilarated, jump out of bed and let your hair loose (the hair on your head! for those of you who are balding, please do not let any other hair loose!!!)


It's in the title, the day you get fried! Fried in the brain, fried in the food and af-fr(a)ied if you have not done your work for the week! The fact that you know you can get up the next morning, flick on the Saturday Disney cartoons- uh i the mid day Video Hits countdown...and relax every bone in your bod is just a beautiful thing. I think the phrase TGIF is a muscle relaxant in itself. Who needs Voltaren emugel when you can just listen to a bit of Pant's of Friday with Hamish and Andy and take advantage of the 6 dollar steak down the road.

So what can we do if we are mid week? Friday only comes around once but you have four other days to plow through while you are waiting for this magical day.

Monday-"don't speak to me day": you will have to go to work, school, uni or whatever it is that you do, because this day shows your dedication. Monday = make your mark day. Show your presence...and then fade away for the rest of the week.

Tuesday-"Take me now day": You are basically running on two cans of red bull and a chocolate muffin you shoved in your gob earlier that morning knowing full well it was chocolate and pretending that it was bran. You can get through this day if you remember one phrase "tight-ass Tuesday!" Tuesday in Aus is known as the day for cheap everything. Highly suggest looking up some movie times in the day and planning out who you will drag along to the next comedy, romance, rom-com or thriller (Michael Jackson moves inserted).

Wednesday-"Kill me now aka. hump day": OK so Wednesday is the hump in the road...It is usually a day of meetings, classes and tests. Hump day is only good if you have a hump day treat. Get through this day by teaming up with your friends, co-workers or whoever you choose to hang out with (or are forced to hang out with by default) and get out of the office (or your other type of confinement)...the Gym, the park, the shops...whatever it is- go do it and free your mind a little with "highly legal" methods ;)

Thursday- "One day till Friday": The tunnel is opening (and i don't just mean in the Cross). The light at the end of the tunnel is 24 hours away! Also- late night shopping. Have you forgotten to buy a present, get some new pants, underwear or the latest Eurovision cd? Well spend your day planning your night! Hours 1-5 = What am i having for dinner and who am i going with. Hours 5-6 = lunch. Hours 6-9 = What do i need to buy, and who can i scab money off! Your day will pass like a nerdy student.

FrrrIIIIDAYYY- "TGIF": The day that needs no just is.

Enjoy your week!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Bieber Fever!

I sat watching the children of Sydney lined up outside the Channel 7 Studio in Martin Place with their sad little faces, signs and digital devices ready in hand trying to get a glimpse of their beloved childhood heartthrob and screaming at any mention of the word Bieber...and all i could do was laugh.

It seemed so silly, hundreds of children looking out for a side hair swept 16 year old pop star that wouldn't even know they were there! Justin Bieber seems quite lame to me. Well the hype does, he is quite talented and seems like a sweet boy. The whole thing just seemed a little over the top and it made me reflect on my childhood and my experiences and shamed love affairs with the bands of the nineties.

I can remember waking up with not an inch of my baby pink painted wall showing as it was plastered with overlapping posters of Hanson. Mmmbopalicious! I to be honest didn't crush on any of them but i loved the songs, i loved the exclusivity of knowing everything about them and it was just something that keeps your life going as a child..not too sure why?

We all find that need to place our adoration on something external to us. Something that is not in our immediate lives such as a band, a TV series, movie (twilight for example) or celebrities galore. They represent something that we want to be close to but can not reach in our daily lives. Hanson represented - well i can not really place my finger on it? Boys? Music? Fun? Belonging? whatever it was it was a little weird obsession! Because i placed them in my lives i felt cooler some how.

The day that you disengage with your childhood crush is one that happens so instantly. For some it is because you find another boy band, celebrity heart throb or general interest to tickle your fancy. For others it is because they have plainly out grown the stage. For was the moment when i was trying to watch Hanson on the television and my mum said..."oh is that the band with the 2 boys and the little girl in the middle like the poster on your wall?"

ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had forgotten about Hanson within 24 hours.

You can only really laugh at these situations and weird obsessions much after the incident takes place. It's that moment that you look back and say- what the h e double hockey sticks was i thinking....and then you say, wow that was lame i should have said HELL.

I jump from heart throb to heart just can't help it. Currently i am on my Hamish Blake/ Hamish and Andy obsession...that's lasted about 7 lets hope i don't look back and go...daym!...i was lame. But eventually i believe that will just happen when they are old and fat with no hair and are ghosting people, but really just harassing women on the street.

Bieber may be a fad but you might as well go all out whilst you can. It's just the way life goes...go with it!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Art Work!

Hey All,

Just some of the art work, digital work and photo shopping i have done in the past couple of years.

I Invented Post-It's and because of Facebook, everyone knows it!

You walk into the room, 10 kilos lighter than the last time you had seen all these people. Your hair doesn't do that woo hoo thing at the front and you have finally grown into your body and passed that stage where your legs were too long for your torso. Your candy on your arm is looking particularly stunning tonight and your wallet is stocked with photos of your new baby and amazing holiday trips! Your fascinating life is awaiting a glorious show and tell extravaganza!

Hold your breath...step in and one bats an eyelid! WHY?????

Because they already know all about your life, they have seen the photos, heard the news, seen the scandals and watched the weight etch itself off bit by bit...


Thanks to our little social media tool Facebook, we all know about each others lives instantaneously. We are no longer separated by the shields we used to put up because we are sharing so much of our lives on the Internet. The access to another persons life has never been so apparent.

High school reunions. We watched Romy and Michelle shock their whole graduating class in their hot new body's, fab new outfits and the attitude that finally saw them as real people and not boxed in D grade members of the school hierarchy. When you leave school, every person has this moment where they envision their life, their career and the trail of success that follows. The whole point of going back to school, to reunite with the people you haven't seen is to brag about your life. Now people will tell you- hey that shows a superficial attitude and twisted logic. I am here to tell you, if you were going back to see your 100 close friends, then you are mistaken. The people you really care about and that you want to see, are the people you are already seeing. You meet up with these people now and then, do the quick catch up and let them into your life, successes and failures. Which leaves the rest of the the people you do not really care about to be perfectly honest, just the people that you want to show yourself off too. Oh and lets not forget, to snoop on!

What has happened with the shift in social media, the tools such as flick'r, facebook, myspace, youtube, and the beloved that we are engaging our lives so deeply that hardly anything is left to surprise. We are not only connected with our best friends but also with our closest 600 friends if you get my drift. You can explore their holiday photos, see their children being born, see them graduate and hear about their scandalous nights all from your home. And now thanks to Foursquare, you not only know what they are doing but where they are doing it! So when it comes to that great reveal at the high school reunion...the sizzle is lost.

Social media on the one hand keeps us well connected, but is it keeping us too connected? Are we losing that aspect of privacy that keeps our lives interesting, our real life conversations intriguing and our successes celebrated?

I am glad to have these social media tools, because it among other things, fills in the time and keeps me connected. But i am slightly saddened at the fact i will lose out on a huge part of growing up to its fullest degree...The High School Reunion.

Well, I'm off to invent post-it-notes!

PS. "I hope your babies look like monkeys"

Friday, April 23, 2010

Oh to be RICH and FAMOUS!

Fendi purses, silver Lexus' and Dolce this Vuitton that! The life of the sparkling ones, that it appears the sun is always shining on, is a hard life. According to them when they have their breakdowns on national television (coincidentally at the trough of their career)

To be a socialite, one can only hope! Socialites- if you look the word up in the dictionary, (or at least the realistic dictionary) it would state: famous for doing nothing!...And that is pretty much it! They do nothing but advance their career by looking good and feeling great about themselves.

The aspiration by society to amount to something great (i.e. nothing) just like these people is phenomenal. We all want to be noticed, to have the life of luxury and a little car to take us from gig to gig. So why is it that we love these people so much?
They, i believe embody everything that we are not. They seem to be physically perfect- skin, body, personality, parties galore and attitude to top the whole thing off that says- i just don't give a ---- four letter word!

They thrive off superficiality and walk the guided path to success, whereas we work hard and take the long and windy road.
Do i believe that the world would be better without socialites? Of course not. The point is that they will do things and go places that we could never do and go! We live vicariously through them and let them live out our wildest dreams. The entertainment factor alone of reading about the scandals and never having the backlash personally is brilliant. Not to say that all socialites are the Kens and Barbie's of our world, some do use their unfounded super status to help the less fortunate, charities, raising money, healing the world etc. etc. etc...but at the end of their day- they clearly go back to a 300 thread count Egyptian cotton sheet and lay their silky hair on the pillow dreaming about their next million. And that is what we love most!

I personally am going to make it my little mission to get some degree of socialite status before i die...NO WORK ALL PLAY MAKES ME go WOOO HOO!

Steps to success?...that is a tough one, really it is all a case by case basis...but there must be some link that binds these people together.

1) Have a signature something (looks, stride, personality, laugh, talent...whatever it is make it yours!)

2) Be confident

3) Be seen with the right people at the right time in the right place
4) PHOTO EVIDENCE! If you are cool, be willing to show it to the world. It's called paparazzi...Lady Gaga sang about it and you better get used to it!

5) Have an entourage...! Trailing behind or linked arms, need a crew to emphasize you are worth following.
And thats pretty much all.

The rest is up to you and the universe!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Round and Round and Round we go...where it stops, nobody knows?

The circle of death!

It sounds worse than it is, and probably conjures up images of cults and ultimate fighting rings, but no- our circle is a silent killer and is much more pleasing to the palette.

The savoury sweet cycle!

Oh i might just nibble on some chips...mmm tasty and delicious...crunch crunch crunch.

Oh dear...there is this overwhelming salty taste in my mouth- how can i counteract this taste with something else delicious...

BAM! and that's where the sweet comes in. Hits you like a ton of bricks, once you get the niggle- you're gone!

So you go...OK- just one piece of chocolate to tide me over. Mmm creamy, creamy, sweet! Party in my mouth.

Now where are you left? In a pool of sugar and nowhere to go except hyperactive town or find something to calm those taste buds! Hello Mr. Taste bud, its me....savoury Steve again.

I think you all get the picture from my enthralling depiction of eating junk food, but the point i am trying to make is that the silent SS loop is the one that will have you sitting on the couch for hours at end and suddenly staring into an empty bag thinking- where did the time go and who stole my food.


( PS. i love caps)

How can we fix this epidemic...or should i say pandemic? Either way i like the dramatic emphasis....

solution 1) lock away your snacks with a key....then bury it in the garden 3 feet under and surround it by barbed wire (not ideal because you may die of starvation and need a lot of iodine to mend yourself after the attempts to retrieve it)

solution 2) Portion your food and make sure you drink plenty of water rather than sugary soft drinks

solution 3) STOP SNACKING!

solution 4) Show your body the extremes of what you are doing to it- before you start snacking...alternate eating a spoonful of sugar and a spoonful of salt (tablespoons please, none of this teaspoon business)

Personally one is my fave, but realistically- two is the way to go.

Enjoy you food and be happy and healthy everyone!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Your so vain! probably think this song is about you!

Seriously, we spend our whole lives primping and pampering ourselves (guys included-especially the metro machos out there). Taking time for our hair, buying the branded clothes with the little alligators, tiny ticks and intertwined C's. It's all about image for the first 20 to 25 odd years of your life. We want to look the hottest, be seen, be noticed and be branded! Then post so called 'best/wonder years of our lives' comes a time when the image just ain't cutting it and we want something more. Something to keep us warm at night, to wrap itself around us while we watch telly and fall effortlessly to sleep.

And then something warm and comforting comes along and we just can't be arsed ('scuse my French) anymore and throw our entire vision of what we should be and look like out the kitchen window. What could possibly be so magical that it reverts us from pampered princesses and princes to the regular Joanne and Joe?


The Snuggie is pretty much a woolly poncho with pockets and sleeves. It covers you from the neck down in a bagginess that makes you look like your a couch potato even if you aren't sitting on a couch. You could be 10, you could be 20 your could be 30...but with one of these baby's on, you will still look like a 60 year old grandma! It is clearly the most unflattering and horrific outfit i have ever seen. Not to say that it doesn't have its benefits in the winter-y nights at home or at a picnic where a hoodie just won't do. But clearly the world has gone Snuggie mad! The only thing that is more popular is the Sham-Wow (warranted, that thing is amazing!...hmm i really have to get me one of those).

What i am questioning is...why is it OK to wear the snuggie, and not wear a big blanket wrapped around you and cut sleeves? Or why not a robe or a jumper and pants? Now i am not saying that we have to be vain about the whole situation and wear things that make us look good- but the Snuggie is really a way of saying, i have lost all faith in my appearance and i can't be bothered. Soon they will be making Snuggie's for two- so you and your partner can wrap yourself around each other and be warm, have the use of your arms, and lets not forget being able to read books with the handy free book light.

The madness is the popularity of it all! Because of clever branding and marketing, this household blanket has now grown sleeves and a career on television. It is in homes all across Australia. Have to admit, its pretty brilliant. Now if i could just do the same...probably would work with a garbage bag and two foot holes for rain pants!
Please watch the video...the laughter that awaits can only imagine :)

To This....